Are you The Wife?

You know about me.  That knowledge is why I’m not his lover any more.   I’m sure it’s why you are here and how you found this blog.

So here we are.   I’m the “Other Woman.”  You’re the “Betrayed Spouse.”  What now?

You confronted your husband with suspicions of the affair.  You had some evidence that he was cheating.  It wasn’t enough for “beyond a reasonable doubt,” but, in your mind, it was enough.  In his mind, too.  Regardless of how he tried to explain it away.

Regardless of the lack of hard evidence, and the fact that you seem to have let it go (or at least stopped badgering him about it), you know.  Your intuition and your heart tells you he’s involved with someone else.  Being in love with someone else is hard to hide — that’s probably what led you on your information fishing expedition.  The pain of losing a secret lover is also difficult to cover up.  Are you sensing it?  Has he seemed sad or needy since The Breakup? Is that what brought you here?

After you confronted him, he agreed to give the marriage another shot.  He really does want to make it right — in his own way.  I believe he is sincere. Why? Because he picked you.  He chose to stay — when packing up and leaving would be the easier thing to do.  If he did that, he wouldn’t have to live with the drama and the constant surveillance.  The pain of leaving was greater than the pain of staying.  That speaks volumes about how he feels about you and your family.

In  my mind I like to think he chose the path of least resistance.  In reality, I know that less than a decade ago he decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you.  And he will endure your yelling, crying and snooping in order to keep from hurting you more.  And not to look like a colossal asshole.  He struggles with it — his needs still are not being met in the marriage, I know that much.  He also believes they never will be — that is bleak future.

Meanwhile, I hurt.  I literally writhe in pain from losing what I had with him — and from slowly accepting that the hope I had for us was only in my mind.  The self-doubt:  was it real? Was it a lie? Does he really love me?

You were conducting research, perhaps employed an investigator.  You weighed your options on whether to stay in the marriage.  You still could be researching.  Conducting surveillance — either in person or electronically.  He seems to think you have let it go, or that you don’t have the time, energy or interest in finding out that truth.  If he’s right, that’s sad.  And it says something about how you feel about him — or don’t feel about him.

We have never met, nor even crossed paths, but I feel I know you well enough to know that you aren’t going to go crazy and kill me — or your husband, either.  Although apparently you created quite a “shit storm” — enough to scare him more than anything.  He nearly lost a parent shortly before you confronted him.  That scared him deeply.  Your confrontation seized him with a fear that surpassed that.  Since the first discovery, apparently you’re onto us again.  He has warned me that this time you are coming at me with full force.  I’m completely ready.

He told me he refused to provide the information you wanted, but I can’t believe that’s possible anymore.  He told me to expect to hear from you.  To prepare for a confrontation, private investigators, even police (I don’t understand that at all).  I’ve been expecting your call or email for months.  Perhaps you don’t really want to know.

Honestly, I’m surprised.  For many betrayed spouses, the need to confront the affair partner is overwhelming.  Or at least the need to know what they look like, where they live, what they’re like.  I feel you’ve done your due diligence and that you know enough about me to satisfy your curiosity.

Just in case you are still contemplating contacting me, let me save you the call.  Here is what I will say:

I’m not answering  your questions.  My relationship with your husband is irrelevant at this point.  Obviously you are concerned about my role in his life because you have a problem at home.  The quality of your marriage is the issue.  Focus on that.

He is an amazing man. He’s funny, smart and attractive. He’s ambitious, successful and incredibly hot. So I understand your concern.  But your problem is not my problem, so please do not involve me.  I won’t pursue a relationship with him.  That’s a big loss for him.  I’m a pretty good friend.

You are incredibly lucky to be married to him and you should thank God every day that he’s yours.  So quit digging for information about something you can’t change and do something that will make a difference: start making him happy.

Be grateful for what you have.  Love him the way he deserves to be loved.  If you can’t do that, don’t blame your inability to do that on him or anyone else.

That’s all I will say if you call (or write).  There’s more that I won’t say, because it will acknowledge the affair.  I’m not giving you that much — because he asked me not to, and it creates a legal issue.  I can’t make it worse for him.

Instead, I will say it to all of the wives out there who suspect their husbands are cheating, but can’t prove it:

Pay attention to what he wants and needs in a partner.  It’s pretty simple.  He’s easy to please — and it’s a joy.  Loving him is amazing and made me incredibly happy for a long time.  What can’t you love him like that?  He deserves it.  He needs it.  And until you do it, he will keep coming back to me, or find someone else like me to sneak around with.  He might even eventually leave you.  If you can’t find it in your heart or mind to do what it takes, let him go, so both of you can get the love you need and deserve from someone who is willing and able to fulfill your needs.

Just like he does, you have a second chance to make this right.  Do it.

My heart is with him, always.

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