A New Start?

I went out for New Year’s Eve with my wild gal pal.  A bar with a band then a friend’s house party.  We both were in foul moods regarding men.  You had called me earlier in the afternoon.

Expecting an uneventful evening of being mostly bored, we headed out dressed to the nines.

As we sat at the bar in our local watering hole I noticed an attractive man on the other side of the large bar.  He caught my eye not just because he’s good looking, but because he bears a striking resemblance to a celebrity.  I asked the bartender if she knew him, and commented on his resemblance to the celebrity.  She, being a young woman who never watches the news, had no idea to whom I was referring.

One thing led to another and through the bartender our interest in one another was expressed and we struck up a conversation.  I thought nothing of it, other than it was mild flirtation.  However, as we were putting on our coats to leave, he rushed over to hand me his card.  I wrote my name and number on a napkin.  In a fit of what could be considered bad judgment, I also wrote the address of the party we were attending.

I told our host that a guy resembling a celebrity (who was on their big screen TV at that moment) might show up.  Next thing I know, the host is announcing that the celebrity has arrived.   It was funny as hell.

A lovely time was had by all.

At 9:30 a.m. today I got a text from him.  Yes, I think he likes me.  A lot.  I’m kind of liking him, too.  I’m just a little bit excited about it.  Although cautiously.

During the time I spent talking with him, some traits were obvious.  They reminded me of you, and some reminded me of Mr. IT, my FWB.  Obviously, I’m attracted to men who are tightly wound.  He’s retired military, too, so there’s that similarity to you.

Later today I finally took a sober look at his business card, which is from his last post before he retired.  He had scribbled his phone number on the back.  I take a look at his rank.  I groaned.

Explains a lot.  A whole lot.  I’m not terribly familiar with his branch’s rank system, but I’m pretty sure he outranks you.

I’m still cautiously optimistic.

Right now, my biggest fear is that he is married.  No ring, and he was with his son-in-law in the bar so it seems reasonable that he’s not a cheater, but you never know.

I like him.  And I always wanted to date a celebrity.

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New Year’s Eve and the Tales You Weave

You called.  I answered.  Twenty-three minutes.  

In just 23 minutes, you wove a tale so mind-boggling and unbelievable I almost believed it.  Perhaps I believed some of it.  Perhaps some of it is even true.  Interestingly enough, even though I didn’t believe half of what you had to say, hearing your voice and talking to you made me feel better.  Damn you!

The conversation wrapped up because she came home.  You whispered you love me as you hung up to greet her.  I’m seriously doubting your sanity.

I listened.  I talked.  It was a surprisingly normal conversation despite what has gone down between us.  You explained — a monstrous tale I can’t begin to repeat right now — and apologized.  You never meant to hurt me.

You explained the nasty text you sent me.   You had panicked.  You thought The Wife and I were in cahoots and plotting against you.  You had to make it look like you were breaking it off with me and taking up for her.

Well played.

At this point, the truth regarding the drama is a bit beside the point.  Irrelevant in the grand scheme.

This is what I know.  When the going got tough, when you were confronted with evidence of your cheating ways, your first instinct was to protect your OWN ass.  Not mine.  Not even hers — although at least when I thought you were taking up for her I thought you were being honorable.  I thought you really loved her.  Do you even realized you just admitted to being a complete and utter dog?

Or maybe you’re just telling me you said that.  Maybe at the time you were taking up for her.  But to woo me back you have to tell me you said it for her benefit, in case she saw the text.  So that she would know you were ditching me for her.

You were, dumbass.  And I’m going to make sure you live with that decision.

After the Christmas Day text there were others.  You miss me.  Love me.  Want me back.  Mine said I wanted us to sit down and end this relationship face-to-face, like grownups, instead of by text like we’re in high school.  You said, “Sounds good.”  You were to get back to me on the day and time.

I didn’t hear from you for two days. Ironically, right after I returned from an impromptu “girl trip” because I was so depressed over the Christmas Day Debacle (I had a meltdown in the middle of my Christmas party because you texted me.  Yeah, that was a good time).

It seriously makes me wonder if you have my house bugged.  I even asked you.  You didn’t answer.

But the text when I returned from my trip was a continuation of the “let’s break up like grownups” conversation.  It said:

“By the way, I am not breaking anything off.  We just need to talk about where we are and what you want and what is best for both of us.  I love you and care about you very much.  Always have, always will.  I miss you…more than you know.”

Not fair, sir.  Not fair at all.

We are going to talk in person this week.  I have a lot to say, and you’re going to listen.  Here is a preview:

Why would you want to continue this affair?  She is obviously closing in more than ever.  Do you want to get caught?

Even more importantly, why would I want to continue? What do you have to offer me?  A legitimate relationship? A commitment? I don’t think so.  We can’t even have a “normal” affair because you don’t have enough time to spare.  I can find someone to screw me a couple of hours a week.  I don’t need it to be someone who is ripping my heart out.

You’ve chosen to stay with her.  Go love her.  Love her the way you love me.  Let her love you the way I do.

I used to think it wouldn’t be fair to myself or another man if I got involved with someone I didn’t feel as strongly about as you.  Now I realize that settling on being your “other” is what is “settling.” Choosing to be with someone I don’t care about as much as you isn’t “settling.”  Unless settling is being with someone who thinks I’m worth it.

Being your mistress is settling.

A new year is upon us.  Go home and fall in love with your wife.

I’m going to find someone else to love.

My heart is with you.  Always.  Damn it.

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Be Careful What You Wish

On Christmas Eve I looked into the sky at the star I wished upon so many times over the past four years.  When I first fell in love with you, I wished that you loved me, too.

That one was granted.

Within the past year or so, I wished that you would choose to be with me.  And while that seemed like it would be granted eventually — or at least you seemed to dangle that possibility often — it didn’t happen.

Then The Wife found out (or at least strongly suspected) about our affair.  You dumped me.  I wished you would come back to me.  You did.  I was back to wishing you would choose to be with me all of the time.

I set a deadline in my mind:  Christmas.  I told you I wanted to spend Christmas with you — but I didn’t tell you that was the deadline.  I began wishing that you would be with me for Christmas.

Then the wife was onto you again.  You accused me of revealing the affair to her.  You said some very horrible, nasty things by text message.  You said to never contact you again.  That changed the way I looked at the stars.  I wasn’t sure what to wish for anymore.  Sometimes I wished you would be happy. Sometimes I wished you would come to your senses.  Sometimes I didn’t wish at all.

On Christmas Eve  I looked at the star, shrugged, said, “This is stupid, it’ s too late now.”  But I wished the I-wish-you-were-with-me-for-Christmas wish.

I entertain on Christmas Day.  It was the afternoon and my FWB arrived early so that we could have a romp before the guests arrived.  We were in the bedroom starting to undress one another when my phone, on the kitchen counter, made a noise.  He looked at me and said, “That was an email or text or something.”

I said, “Yes, it was a text.  And that text tone belongs to only one person.”   I powered on, although it was difficult to concentrate.  Finally, as we are making the last-minute preparations for the party, I looked at my phone.  I read the text.  I threw my phone on the counter.  He poured me a glass of bourbon and handed it to me.

Your text said:

“Merry Christmas! Hope you are doing well.  I am sorry about everything.  I miss you and love you … always.”

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Musical Monday: Please Come Home for Christmas (Aaron Neville)

I’ve made no secret that I want to spend Christmas with you.  I know I won’t.  But I still wish upon a star every night that you will choose to be with me by Christmas.

Please Come Home For Christmas Lyrics

“Please Come Home For Christmas” was released on 1/8/2007. It was written by GENE C REDD, CHARLES BROWN.

Bells will be ringing the glad, glad news
Oh, what a Christmas to have the blues
My baby’s gone, I have no friends
To wish me greetings, ooh, once again

Choirs will be singing “Silent night”
Christmas carols by candlelight
Please, come home for Christmas
Please ,come home for Christmas
If not for Christmas, by New Year’s night

Friends and relations send salutations
Sure as the stars shine above
This is Christmas, yes, Christmas, my dear
The time of year to be with the one you love

Oh, won’t you tell me, you’ll never more roam?
Christmas and New Year’s, will find you home
There’ll be no more sorrow, no grief and pain
Then I’ll be happy, happy once again
Ooh, no more sorrow, no grief and pain
‘Cause I’ll be happy, Christmas blues once again


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Read more:Aaron Neville – Please Come Home For Christmas Lyrics | MetroLyrics


Today was Thanksgiving. You are in your hometown with The Wife and your family. All of your kids, grand kids, parents….

You told me last week you plan to retire within the next couple of years. You will start your own business and move back to your hometown, Or as close as you can get. YD has to graduate first. You might go ahead and buy a place there.

I’m at my mother’s and I’m glad you aren’t here. I couldn’t subject another person to this.

I have a lot for which to be thankful. Family, as dysfunctional as it is. Enough food, clothes and toys. Good friends. Enough.

And I’ve had your love. I’ve loved you. It changed my life for the better. The price was high, but worth it.

No yearning texts today, on the fourth Thanksgiving of our affair. If any come, I probably won’t answer. You know why. I’m too tired to tell the readers.

It’s thanksgiving. Let’s just be grateful.

It is what it is

I was supposed to see you tomorrow,  since it’s a holiday, but had decided to tell you I couldn’t make it.  But you beat me to it.  I hate it when that happens.

This evening I received a text:

“I’ve got issues tomorrow. YD thought I had the day off, so she wants to go [do a fun activity]. I’m pretty sure her mother put her up to that, so I couldn’t really get out of it. I’m sorry.  Can we do something [the next day] instead? I could probably come early tomorrow for a couple of hours. [The next day] p.m. would be less of a hassle…I love you. Truly.”

No, “Hi, how are you?” or any pleasantries.  Just “I’ve got issues.” My, how our relationship has changed.  And you told me you actually had some work to do tomorrow, despite the fact it’s a holiday.  You’re not telling YD that.  Geez, I hate to be jealous of a teenage girl.  But I’d like to do stuff like that, too.

My reply:

“I go to [a town a couple hours west of here] [the day you suggested,] back [the next day].  Working from home Friday. [Fun activity] sounds fun.  Good weather.  Thanks for letting me know.”

Your response:

“I am sorry, Sweetheart.  I am sure it is a ploy to keep any eye on me.  I was really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow and I am very disappointed, too.”

Maybe it isn’t a ploy.  Maybe the kid really wants to go do that fun activity and really wants to spend time with you.  My response:

“It is what it is.  I’m not surprised.  Let me know when you have time.  I love you more than you will ever know.”

Readers are probably saying, “What the hell? Why did you go to the love stuff? You were doing so well!”  Because I do love him and I’m not going to keep from saying it just because of the screwed up situation.  You need to tell people you love them when you have a chance.  I also added that I can’t do tomorrow morning because I was pretty sick over the weekend and went to urgent care and my followup is tomorrow morning.  Which is true.  I was terribly ill.  I thought I might not even feel like going out to see you, but I’m doing much better now.

Surprisingly, I got another text from you:

“Thanks for that.  I feel really bad about this and I know I am not giving you anywhere near what you need.  Sorry you were sick – hope you are feeling better…”

So I asked “Thanks for what?”  and noted that I’m not giving you what you need, either.  I did go mushy:

“But I am willing.  Anytime.  All the time.  You know how I feel about you.”

Because it’s true, and I hope it registers that YOU are the one choosing for us not to be together.

“Thanks for sort of letting me off the hook by saying you had an appt. in the morning.  You could have said a lot of other things to make me feel even worse for breaking yet ANOTHER date, but you didn’t.  That’s one of the reasons I love you so much.”

Now I’m sure some readers will have a field day translating that.  Does he love me because I’m a pushover?  I’m nice.  So sue me.

“I couldn’t do that to you, even if I should…You have my heart.  But I was really looking forward to being in your arms.”

And you said:

“I was really looking forward to being in yours, too.  I really need you.  More than you know.  Much more.”

I found that interesting.  You’ve only said you need me about three times in four years, and most of it was recent.  Maybe in the beginning you said it once.

I responded that I’m here if you need me. All the time. I’d move mountains to be with you if I could.  But you won’t.  I didn’t say that part.  But it’s true.

I’m not always going to be here.  I will eventually move on.

It is what it is.

My heart is with you.  Always.

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