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Happy Valentine’s Day?*

I get to spend tonight with you.  Of course you had to have dinner with The Wife first. I went through the Steak and Shake drive-through.  I put on a hot red dress, stockings and heels in my car in a hotel parking lot.   I don’t know why this upsets me.  Today has been harder than I envisioned.

I don’t have much else to say, except that this tune sums it up.

*This note was written pre-breakup and references Valentine’s Day 2013.

“Forever And Almost Always”
as performed by Kate Voegele

So the story goes on down
The less traveled road
It’s a variation on
The one I was told
And although it’s not the same
It’s awful close, yeah In an ordinary fairy tale land
There’s a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine having just short of that
Is better than nothing So you’ll be mine
Forever and almost always
And I’ll be fine
Just love me when you can
And I’ll wait patiently
I’ll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care In the corner of my mind I know too well
Oh that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
And outta my head Oh and just when I believe
You’ve changed for good
Well you go and prove me wrong
Just like I knew you would

When I run out of second chances
You give me that look
And you’re off the hook

Because you’re mine
Forever and almost always
And I’m fine
Just love me when you can
And I’ll wait patiently
I’ll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care

Oh, what am I still doing here?
Oh, it’s all becoming so clear

You’ll be mine
Forever and almost always
It ain’t right to just love me when you can
Oh I won’t wait patiently
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you’ll still care

Forever and almost always
No it ain’t right
To just love me when you can, baby
Ain’t gonna wait patiently
I won’t wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

Throwback Thursday: Psycho-texting*

*This note was written before The Breakup.

Oh, I think The Wife knows about me.

You were at my house yesterday.  Was it only yesterday? It seems so long ago now.

As 5:15 p.m. rolled around, you rolled out of bed.

“I need to get going before the psycho-texting starts,” you said.

This is the closest you’ve ever come to complaining about The Wife.  I was a bit shocked.  You told me the story of the last time you were at my house, and how you had said you would be hearing from her soon, and how she called before you reached the highway.

Apparently, if she can’t reach you outside of working hours, she tries repeatedly until you answer.  You said you have no excuse for not answering when you’re not at work.

Interesting.

You’re  worried about getting caught.

What’s going on in your house?  What are you not telling me?

My heart is with you.  Always.

Throwback Thursday: This Love*

*This note was written before The Breakup

I’m completely in love with you.  I love you without limits.  I’ve never felt this way before, and I intend to celebrate it.  No more being sad because we can’t be together.  No more complaining because I don’t get enough time.

My love for you is the most amazing feeling in the world.  I’m going to keep it.  Cherish it.  Savor it.  Bask in it and wallow in it.

It’s real, it’s incredible and it’s meant to be.

I love you and I’m not going anywhere.  You make me happy and I make you happy.

The Wife can have the time, house, the money, the vacations, the grandchildren.

Would I like those things? Sure.  But I’ve got the love.

That’s worth everything.

My heart is with you.  Always.

 

Throwback Thursday: Returning from a trip*

*This note was written before The Breakup.

No, I’ve not fallen off the edge of the earth.  I was on vacation.  So were you.

Did I plan it that way?  Leaving town the same time you were gone?  No, I didn’t.  I planned my vacation for when my friend’s kids were with their dad.

My vacation was fun, even though it was with two high-maintenance women.  One of my girlfriends has cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy, so it was nice to get her away from it all.  We danced, partied, sat on the beach all day and drank too much.

And you texted me constantly.  Every morning.  Every night.  You were missing me, thinking of me, wanting me, wishing I were there, wishing you were here.  You had a big success and immediately texted me to let me know.

You visited with The Parents and The Kids and doted on The GrandBaby.  I know you had a blast.  What about The Wife? It doesn’t seem like you spent much time together there.  You spent time with Your Dad, what did she do?

I’ve had lots of blog posts marinating in my head, but just haven’t had time to peck them out.  I think I will spend some time doing that this weekend.  I probably have a couple weeks of material.

The Wife’s relative arrives this weekend to take The Youngest Daughter away for a while.  Do you have plans with The Wife?  You say not.  You said you will try to visit me this weekend while her guest is there to distract her.

I’ve been thinking a lot about you.  More on that later.

My heart is with you.  Always.

A Christmas Note*

*This note was written before The Breakup.

The following is the content of the letter I gave you in a Christmas card.

12/18/12

Dear [Your Name]:

Loving you is an incredible gift.  I’m in awe of the intensity of my feelings for you.

My love for you has changed my life.  It has forced me to be honest with myself and examine the contents of my own heart.  It has challenged my own view of what love is  supposed to be and what it means to my life.

My heart is yours.  I give it freely.  Completely. Always.  Thank you for accepting my love without question.

Your love is safe with me.  You can count on me to love you unconditionally.  My life is open to you and you can have as large a role as you want to have.

Being with you is a priority because happiness is a priority to me.  There’s nothing I would rather do than spend as much time as possible making you happy and showing what my love can do for you.

Feel my love.  Know it’s yours.  No one has ever captured my heart the way you have.  And no one else can have my heart as long as I’m in love with you.

All of My Love,

[My Name]

The readers might be wondering if you gave me anything for Christmas.  You did bring me a card.  It was a card from boxed greeting cards, possibly the ones you sent to friends and family or gave to colleagues.

You wrote a short note:

Sweetheart,

I know this card is not very romantic, but I want you to know that I love you and appreciate you very much.

You’re the best!

Love,

Me

It upset me.  I read it after you were gone and I didn’t acknowledge it via text.  You didn’t acknowledge mine, either. You had to hurry off because Son2 was coming to dinner.  I’m the best.  You didn’t sign your name.  You didn’t bother to go to the store to buy a card or pick one up, say, when you bought one for The Wife.

I hope you had a merry Christmas with the your family.

My heart is with you.  Always.

Throwback Thursday: Reconnecting*

*This note was written before The Breakup.

I saw you today.  It was a surprise.  I was supposed to see you tomorrow.  But right after we made plans for tomorrow, you  called me to say you had a meeting canceled and you were available today if I could make it.  I had lots to do, and plenty of reasons to say no, but I didn’t.

For the first time since The Meltdown, we really connected.  It was all you — you went there, not me.  You told me repeatedly how much you love me.  You looked me in the eye constantly.  Those big blue eyes melt my heart.  You held me close and were loving and gentle.  It was extremely good.  And the sex was amazing as usual — but your timing was absolutely perfect.  I don’t know how you do it.

And you slept.  A lot.  Soundly.  I did too — I was tired.  But you were out for a long time.  I sense you’re not sleeping well and when I commented on it you didn’t acknowledge it.

You held me and stroked me and told me how much you want to be with me.  How you’re working on spending “lots” more time with me and how you want us to go away together.  I’ve heard this before, and I’m sure you mean it when you say it.  It just never happens.

Tonight I got a text:

“Thank you for making the trip today!  You were — as always — awesome.  I needed you today.  I love you very much.

You rarely use the word need, and never in this context.  It’s usually more about wanting.

Why are you steering us back down the emotional path?  It’s great as just sex.

Did you sense I was mad that you went to headquarters last week and didn’t tell me ahead of time?  And then stayed there the entire holiday weekend with friends?  The Family went up, which doesn’t make much sense from a logistical perspective.

I don’t know why I even bother going out with other men.  None are of your caliber.  Sexy, smart, successful.  You’re the benchmark, and it’s a high bar to surpass.

I’m puzzled.  Pleased.

And it happens just as I was drafting the breakup letter.  Can you read my mind?

My heart is yours. Always.

Throwback Thursday: Did you lie to me?*

*This note was written before The Breakup.

I think you lied to me.  I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am.

We had a wonderful time together today.  It had been over a week since we had seen one another.  I got some texts that were very erotic.  This morning’s said, “I want you.  The need has grown exponentially over the weekend.”

During our cuddles we were chatting and you mentioned a traffic ticket you got on Friday of Memorial Day weekend.  I looked puzzled, because that was the day you stayed with your friend near headquarters to golf, and then The Wife went up for the weekend.  It wouldn’t have made sense for you to get a ticket in the county where you received it.  It would be on your way home.  And it’s not in the state where you were staying.

And you said you were in your car.  Not a corporate rental.

You backpedaled and said it couldn’t have been Friday, must have been Memorial Day Monday when you were headed home.  When I got home, I checked the county court system’s database. You got the ticket Friday.

You had texted me on Saturday, the day after the ticket, asking me what I was doing, and said you were at your friends’ house.

So did you really come home Friday? Why did you tell me he stayed up there?  Did you drive home to pick up  The Wife?  Were you with someone else altogether?

I will never know.  I won’t ask.  I will just file it away under those things that make me uneasy about our relationship.  It’s not as big as The Meltdown, but it’s still a reasonable doubt.

For the first time in a long time I felt sad today.  Not because I can’t be with you.  But because I know I never really will be.

My heart is with you.  Always.

Throwback Thursday: Do We Fit One Another’s Criteria?*

*This note was written before The Breakup.

Sometimes it’s important to remember why we are here.  I was married and started having an affair with You nearly 3 1/2 years ago.  I finally summoned up the courage to leave my husband.

Determined not to commit myself to a married man, I tried online dating.  Then I stopped.  I met weirdos and no one measured up to you.  I committed to You – then there was The Meltdown.  It — along with facing the potential of having cancer (I didn’t) — made me change my mind.  Mostly, though, it was The Meltdown.

During my convalescence, I joined two online dating sites that are supposed to be more high-class than the free or cheap ones.  They mostly involve answering literally thousands of questions about yourself.  One of the exercises involved me making a list of what I want in a partner.

I want a partner who (this is in no particular order):

• Loves me.
• Values me.
• Wants me.
• Enjoys my company—both alone and in the company of others.
• Enjoys socializing, at least to some degree.
• Likes to travel.
• Appreciates the parts of me/qualities that are not related to him.
• Is proud that I am hardworking, ambitious, career-oriented, etc.
• Has his own life apart from me – friends, family, hobbies, etc. and appreciates that I have interests, friends, etc. that aren’t connected to him.
• Is supportive and understanding when I’m busy, have to work, need emotional support, etc.
• Accepts love, support and affection freely and also is affectionate (a good lover is also a must).
• Is strong, loving, ambitious, confident and well-adjusted.
• Is not afraid of being loved.

Do You fit this criteria?  If I were meeting you online, would we want to get to know one another?

I don’t know.  Do You enjoy my company in the company of others?  We’ve never been around other people.  We’ve never socialized — although I know you do (a lot less than I do).  You say you like to travel, but most of your travel is for work or to visit family.  You take your one vacation a year.  I think you’re proud that I’m ambitious, and you certainly have your own life apart from me.  You ENTIRE life has nothing to do with me at all.

You lose points on supportive and understanding.  And I used to think you were well-adjusted, but The Meltdown has made me re-evaluate that.  You’re most of the other things.

And you weren’t afraid of being loved.  Many men are afraid of love.

Why is that?  It looks like a married guy would be more afraid of emotional entanglements than a single one.

Oh the irony.

My heart is with you.  Always.

Throwback Thursday: What I wish for us*

*This note was written before The Breakup.

Days like today make me think about what I wish for our relationship  It was a lazy Sunday.  I wanted to wake up with you.  Maybe go to the pool or the beach.  Hang out.  Read.  Take a walk.

It was a beautiful day.  I didn’t leave the house.

This is the problem I have.  I don’t mind being home alone.  I don’t like doing things alone.  Sure, I will take walks, but the doctor told me not to exercise for a while.

This is where my ex and I differ.  He couldn’t stand being home alone, but he would go out and wander around, do activities, go sightseeing, when I wasn’t home.

You and I never do anything “normal.”  Sure, if we’re spending a rare night together we might turn on the TV.  We will eat a meal if it’s a meal time.  But we never have the time to just hang out.  We’ve never watched a complete movie.  We haven’t eaten together in a restaurant in years.

Days like today make being a mistress difficult.  Not necessarily because I know you’re doing all that normal stuff with The Wife, but because I don’t have anyone to do things with.  When I had a husband, it was different.  Or course, most of the time I wished my husband wasn’t around.  But he was often decent company.  Honestly, I miss that. I don’t miss him.  I miss the companionship.

I know I made the right choice.  It’s just a bit lonely sometimes.

My heart is with you.  Always.

Throwback Thursday: What’s up?*

*This note was written before The Breakup

You have been exceptionally loving lately.  Perhaps even more so than pre-meltdown.  I’ve been hearing from you a lot and it’s very loving.

You went out of town for business earlier this week.  You called me from the airport at the gate.  You texted me from the layover.  You texted me that night from your hotel.  The next day as you headed to the airport, again from the layover.

Early the day after your return you texted me that you were having a health issue.  You got in to see a doctor, got your prescription filled and then came to see me.  We made love twice in a short amount of time, cuddled.  Talked.  You were sweet, tender and loving.   You were very affectionate.  It was beautiful.

You told me repeatedly that you love me.  And you said something odd, “You’re not just a piece of ass to me.”  I laughed and told you that you aren’t  just a boy toy.  Maybe I shouldn’t have laughed.  You were being serious.

We hadn’t seen each other in over a week.

You left an hour before The Wife would be getting off work.  But traffic was bad — a tropical storm was blowing through.  You barely beat her home.  The usual 30-minute drive took 90 minutes.  You texted me and kept me posted on your progress.  You were frustrated and basically said that coming to my house is too big a risk.

First thing this morning, an “I love you” text arrived.

Has something happened?  Is there something going on that is making you be more expressive?

I have a theory.  The business trip was to the same facility as your last duty station before you retired from the military.  If your company gets a contract there, you will have to go there to manage it.  It’s near where you lived when you met The Wife.  She has family near there.

It makes sense for a guy with a wife who is becoming more and more disabled to try to get a job that would place her near her family.  If she can’t work anymore, it won’t matter.

This is all pure conjecture on my part.  We’ve not discussed it at all.  Except that you were going there to get new business.  Obviously, you have connections there.

Plus you told me the Youngest Son is moving far away soon.  What’s that about?  You said he got a job in another state.

These are all things that make me go Hmmm.

My heart is with you.  Always.