The night I spent with you while The Wife was gone was both wonderful and hellish.
I was more comfortable than I had been in the past, despite the fact Youngest Daughter was home. I snuck in after she went to bed. You picked me up a few blocks from your house. When you had to get up early to make sure she got ready for school, I just snuggled back under the covers and slept until you returned.
The Wife had put dark sheets on the bed. I think there was a reason for that.
I slept better than I had in weeks — and I dreamed. I don’t do much of that lately, since I don’t sleep.
In the first dream, The Wife comes home and comes into the bedroom. She’s wearing a nightshirt a lot like the one I’m wearing now (I don’t wear anything when I sleep with you). She crawls into bed, not seeing me. She’s taking off the nightshirt and telling you how sexy you are and how much she wants you.
She reaches out and touches me. You put your hand out to stop her. She realizes I’m there. She says my name. She knows who I am! Then she tells me how beautiful the blog post was that I wrote for your birthday. She said she read it on a plane and cried.
It’s a nightmare!
In the next dream, it’s morning and Youngest Daughter is getting ready for school. She comes into the bedroom and I duck behind the door. I rush out into the family room to avoid her. Here she comes! I run through the kitchen into the dining room. She’s behind me. I run up the stairs. There’s a standoff near an armoire.
I don’t know if there’s really an armoire in the upstairs hallway of your house. I’ve never been upstairs.
By the way. My view IS better than yours. Your shed is cute, though.
My heart is with you. Always.
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I have a secret fantasy about us. It’s hard to admit.
No, it’s not sexual. You know all of my sexual fantasies and our sex life is the most satisfying I’ve ever had.
I should say ‘was.’ Past-tense. We broke up. The Wife found out. You freaked. We didn’t see each other for over a month. I have been in tortured emotional agony. You wanted to re-start our affair. I said not if you are staying married. You’ve contradicted yourself and gone from saying you have to give the marriage a shot to you have to get out — all in the same converation. Your final decision is unknown. (Recap is for the benefit of readers who haven’t been following along).
So here I am. Trying to let go, trying to mean what I said, trying to move on, not waiting on you to make up your mind.
But I’m having a certain fantasy for the first time. Sure, I’ve played around the edges of it over the past 3 1/2 years of our relationship. But I’ve never allowed myself to do it. It was too painful to think about. But I’m in so much pain now, this fantasy is actually soothing to my tortured soul. Because it’s actually closer to being fulfilled than at any other time during our relationship.
We’ve talked about what we would really like to happen between us. I’ve used the words legitimate relationship. Commitment. You’ve said real relationship. Future. Both of us have even invoked “happily-ever-after.” But we’ve never painted the picture of what it would be like — or what our ideal would be.
If I could construct the fantasy in reality — if I were writing the plan — here’s what it would look like:
1. After obtaining appropriate legal advice and assessing your financial situation and doing appropriate budgeting, you would inform The Wife that you want to end your marriage.
2. While still living with her — albeit in separate bedrooms — you would negotiate the terms of your Property Settlement Agreement, as required by the antiquated domestic laws of our state. During this time, you would give your tenant notice that you are terminating her month-to-month lease.
2. You would move into your rental but keep it listed for sale. It’s going to take a while to sell.
3. After your PSA is official, you will date me (PSAs say that the parties agree to conduct themselves as if they are single, without interference from the other. In addition to dating, you can dispose of property, etc.). Yes, really date me. I know it seems silly — we’ve been involved 3 1/2 years. We’re in love. But we skipped that whole dating step, and we really need to go back and do it.
4. During our dating period, I will gradually introduce you to my friends. A few will know our history. Most will not. I will begin with my geeky book club aquaintances. They are mostly college professors, school teachers…my intellectual stimulation crowd. A scientist or two is thrown into the mix. Many are married. I know that you are an introvert and not a big partier, so I will go easy on you. Maybe I will have a small party or barbecue. I will make sure you get to know those with military backgrounds. I will make sure you feel accepted, welcome and comfortable. We will take a vacation. Continue to learn more about one another.
5. After the waiting period is up, you will get to file for divorce. It will take about a month to six weeks to get your final order, depending upon the venue. You can forum-shop in our state, so if your local court is too clogged you can take it elsewhere. Lawyers deal with that stuff.
6. After the divorce is final and/or the rental house sells, we will move in together. Nearly a year will have passed by this time — perhaps longer. I’m assuming The Wife will keep the marital home. If she doesn’t, perhaps you will have been living in it, or it will be on the market, or even rented. But, all things considered, I’m guessing you will move into my place. I will have had plenty of time to make room, reorganize and perhaps remodel a bit.
7. You will quit your high-pressure job and become a professor at the local college. I know this is a difficult long-shot. But remember, I have introduced you to my science geek college professor friends. You will have insider info.
8. We will buy a large piece of property on the outskirts of town, perhaps a farm. I will become a full-time teleworker and eliminate my 100-mile round-trip daily commute.
9. We will grow things — perhaps grapes for the burgeoning local wine industry. Flowers. Maybe lease the fields to the corn and soybean farmers nearby. Hire people to cut grass and clean the house so that we have time to travel and pursue our hobbies and interests.
10. Live happily ever after.
Yes, I know this is a fantasy. Also, it doesn’t involve marriage. Commitment, yes. I can’t make the leap to marriage at the moment, even in my wildest fantasies. Would I do it again? Would you? That would be #3 for both of us. That’s a giant step. With appropriate legal advice and an iron-clad prenuptial agreement, I suppose I would. With you.
I love you. You’re the love of my life. I’ve taken many risks and put a lot of myself on the line because of the way I feel about you. The rest of my life? Absolutely.
My heart is with you. Always.
Yesterday I realized it was three years to the day that I first had sex in this house. With you.
It was July 5, and a holiday for us both. Your wife was working. I’m not sure where my then-husband was. I had closed on the house but hadn’t moved in. It was new construction, so it had never been inhabited.
You came to visit and I showed you around. We made love on the floor in an upstairs bedroom — I had made a nest on the floor with blankets and pillows. It was wonderful. It was also the first time you told me you cared about me. We had been seeing each other a little less than five months.
So much has happened since then. Your wife was diagnosed with a disabling disease. I got a divorce. You’re a grandfather now. You’ve gotten promoted at work and are busier.
We’ve shared so much. We’ve come a long way.
My heart is with you. Always.
*This post was written pre-breakup.