Tag Archive | husband

Everything Happens for a Reason

I didn’t always believe that everything happens for a reason.  At least not a good reason.

I’m rethinking that philosophy.  I wake up every morning thanking my lucky stars and various deities that I found a man who loves me, accepts me and wants to be with me.

It could be you.  But it’s not.  And I’m glad.  Because I couldn’t have found someone more perfect for me if I had conjured him up with a magic wand.

He asked me what would happen if you decided to leave TW and wanted me back.  I told him that I choose him.  Every day.  And I plan to spend every day proving it to him — for the rest of my life, if I’m fortunate enough to have him that long.

It doesn’t mean that what I felt for you wasn’t real.  It was real for me.  I’m not so sure about you.  But it doesn’t really matter now.

I think about the way the stars had to align for he and I to meet.  I had to move to this state despite my crumbling marriage.  Have an affair with you.  Divorce my husband.  Keep seeing you despite the pitfalls of being the mistress.  Your wife had to find out — twice, apparently.  I had to realize you didn’t really want me for anything other than a piece on the side.  I had to make a conscious decision to let you go.  To truly move on.

And then I met him.  I noticed him from across the room.  We chatted.  I knew instantly that I wanted him — and that he wanted me.  That doesn’t happen very much.  He had to go away for a couple of weeks, then he drove straight to my birthday party from three states away.

We’re going there this weekend.  There’s a big party and we’re going to go.  It’s our first real trip together (not counting my business trip he accompanied me on).

I’m going to savor this for as long as I can.  Learn from my mistakes.  Love him the way he needs to be loved.  Cherish every moment.  Treat him as well as I possibly can.

Not everyone gets two chances at true love.  Love that is deep and true and amazing.

I’ve fallen.  Hard.  It’s like he tripped me and I fell flat on my face (instead of head over heels).

You told me you wanted me to be happy.  That you didn’t want me to be lonely.  That you hoped I found someone.

Your last text to me didn’t seem like you were overjoyed for me.  That’s OK.

I’ve blocked you.  Calls or texts won’t get through.  I don’t have to jump at your ringtone or text chime ever again.

I’m not generally a bridge-burner.  But I am this time.  Maybe someday, when a lot of time has passed, we can be friends.  But not now.

The man who loves me and wants to wake up with me every day deserves my undivided attention.  And he’s going to get it.  Always.

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Letting my guard down

I spent an incredible weekend with an amazing man.  A man better than I deserve — although he doesn’t understand why I say that.

Saturday was filled with anxiety.  I had flashbacks of you, and they stung.

I remembered last Valentine’s Day — eating fast food and meeting you at a hotel the night before you flew off on an excursion with your brother.  I dressed up — you didn’t really care.  I bought you gifts — you were kind of appreciative.  I still don’t think you ever listened to the CD of music I made you.

This Valentine’s Day, the man in my life came to my house the night before.  I took Valentine’s Day off work.  We slept in, ate chocolate-covered strawberries for breakfast.  Took a walk.  Had a great dinner.  Saw a movie.  Came home and cuddled.

Faced with the reality of someone who wants to be with me, juxtapositioned with the memories of a love that I believed in so much, but was never this good…haunted me.

Damn you!

I can’t believe it’s real.  I can’t believe something this good can happen to me.

Trusting him with my heart?  Still not happening.  I beat myself up over it.  How in the world could I have believed that what you and I had was real…and can’t believe that what I have with HIM is real?  He’s here.  All the time.  He’s never given me reason to doubt how he feels about me.  But I question it.  All the time.  To a destructive level.

I pray to God (very unusual) every day (highly unusual) not to let me mess this up.  It’s not often you get more than one bite at the apple, and I don’t want to let this one go.

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Someday is here

I’m going to move on and I’m going to be happy one day.  You’re still going to be miserable.  And missing me.  Some women would take satisfaction in that.  I don’t.  I just think it’s sad.

I wrote that shortly after The Breakup.  It was prophetic.  I’ve moved on and I’m happy.  Are you still miserable?

 

Happy Valentine’s Day?*

I get to spend tonight with you.  Of course you had to have dinner with The Wife first. I went through the Steak and Shake drive-through.  I put on a hot red dress, stockings and heels in my car in a hotel parking lot.   I don’t know why this upsets me.  Today has been harder than I envisioned.

I don’t have much else to say, except that this tune sums it up.

*This note was written pre-breakup and references Valentine’s Day 2013.

“Forever And Almost Always”
as performed by Kate Voegele

So the story goes on down
The less traveled road
It’s a variation on
The one I was told
And although it’s not the same
It’s awful close, yeah In an ordinary fairy tale land
There’s a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine having just short of that
Is better than nothing So you’ll be mine
Forever and almost always
And I’ll be fine
Just love me when you can
And I’ll wait patiently
I’ll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care In the corner of my mind I know too well
Oh that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
And outta my head Oh and just when I believe
You’ve changed for good
Well you go and prove me wrong
Just like I knew you would

When I run out of second chances
You give me that look
And you’re off the hook

Because you’re mine
Forever and almost always
And I’m fine
Just love me when you can
And I’ll wait patiently
I’ll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care

Oh, what am I still doing here?
Oh, it’s all becoming so clear

You’ll be mine
Forever and almost always
It ain’t right to just love me when you can
Oh I won’t wait patiently
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you’ll still care

Forever and almost always
No it ain’t right
To just love me when you can, baby
Ain’t gonna wait patiently
I won’t wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

Musical Monday: Jar of Hearts

No I can’t take one more step towards you
Cause all that’s waiting is regret
And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

(Chorus)
And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I’ve learned to live, half-alive
Now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long
Just to feel alright
Remember how to put back
The light in my eyes

I wish I had missed
The first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back you don’t get to get me back

And Who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Songwriters
LAWRENCE, DREW C./PERRI, CHRISTINA JUDITH/YERETSIAN, BARRETT NOUBAR

Published by
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Read more: Christina Perri – Jar Of Hearts Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Last. Text. Ever.

Last night was one of the best of my life.  I had dinner and amazing conversation with the man with whom I am smitten.  It’s hard to say that, since I have been so in love with you for so very long.

You had been warned.  I talked to you a couple of weeks ago and told you about my new romance.  It pissed you off.

I saw you last week.  I wasn’t proud of it, and I will write about it later.  But I did. And I felt awful.

Especially after my conversation last night with Mr. Lookalike.  He truly wants me in every sense of the word.  He’s an amazing man.

So I devised in my mind what I would say when I next heard from you. Which, honestly, I thought would be before today. I last saw you on a day with very bad weather.  I never heard from you.  You didn’t ask if I made it home OK, didn’t express any concern about me at all.  I reached out once, in a fit of emotional angst over my new relationship, distressed because this new man thinks I’m wonderful and wants to spend every moment possible with me.  I was struggling with accepting the fact that you don’t.

I had assumed you would eventually send me a text saying you love me and/or miss me.  My planned response was to be Love the One You’re With.

Today I deleted you from my phone’s favorites.  Then I deleted our text history.  Over  a year’s worth of texts.  Had to be nearly 3,000.  My phone went haywire afterward.

And then the text came in.  I need to paraphrase since I have deleted it.  It said something like, “Hi, how are you doing?’  That made it difficult to use the line I planned.  Big Bro, however, told me to put on my Big Girl Panties and do the right thing.

I replied something like, “I am doing very well, actually never been better!  I don’t know why you are asking, since you are supposed to be in [wife's native country] with your family.  Love the One You’re With.”

That obviously went over your head.  You texted back with why you didn’t leave the country and info about a work catastrophe.  At the end, as an afterthought, you said you were glad I was doing well.

I remember my last text to you very well.

“I’m in a committed relationship with a man who makes me very happy.  Please do not contact me again.  Thank you.”

Your reply confirmed in my mind that I have done the right thing.  Made the right choice.  And while it seemed harsh, it didn’t hurt me as much as I would have thought it would.

“OK — Works for me!  Good Luck!”

You didn’t say you were glad I was happy.  You always told me you just wanted me to be happy.  You never said you wanted to MAKE me happy.  Well, Mr. Lookalike does.  He says, “I want to make you happy.”  He doesn’t want to lose me.  And although his life is uncertain right now — where he will live, what kind of work he will do — he assures me that he wants me to be part of his life.

Good luck?  I already have it.  

A piece of my heart always will be with you.  And you will continue to disrespect it for the rest of your life, just as you’ve disrespected my love for you over the past four years.

You are the one who needs luck.

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All’s well that ends well

My intention was to break up with you gently.

The doorbell rang.  Although I was standing by the door, I waited to open it.

You were standing there in a long-sleeve T-shirt and jeans.  You needed a haircut and you had facial hair.  You looked a bit worn, but utterly delicious.

You wrapped me in your arms and I was powerless.  You held me and squeezed me hard, told me how much you missed me.  You apologized and said you never meant to hurt me.  You also said I was never, ever a piece on the side to you.

I offered you a drink.  You said you would have one if I was.  I remembered I hadn’t eaten, so I decided it wasn’t such a good idea.  I directed you to the sofa.  You complimented my holiday decor.

You started the conversation.  It seemed a bit rehearsed.  How we never meant to fell in love.  How great we are together and it’s because we love each other.  It’s not just about sex.

I know you live in your head and don’t let many people in.  Close friends are few in your life.  You’re an introvert.  A loner. I believe you when you say I know you better than anyone.

You told me the story of your latest drama, how you thought The Wife and I were working together.  We discussed possibilities, I asked questions.  You apologized for saying horrible things to me.

I told you that when you took up for her, I knew that you loved her and not me.  You said you had to do it in case she was seeing the texts.  I didn’t buy your story.

I asked what you want from me and you said you didn’t know.  I said after four years you ought to know.  You said you want to be with me but can’t think of a graceful way to get out of the marriage.  Plus there is YD.

I said you had made plans for your future and they were with her and did not include me.  You said that’s not necessarily true.  I called bullshit.

You said I’m the love of your life.  You want to keep me in your life, even if we just stay friends.  You need me.  You need me to love you and you want to love me forever.

It was entirely unfair.

You made me completely forget what I was saying.  I was under your spell.  I had to pull out my index cards with my talking points.  You laughed.

You disagreed without being argumentative.

You discussed her worsening disability and how she won’t be able to work much longer and that driving is becoming difficult for her.  I’m not sure I believed that.

I discussed how we can’t even have a “normal” affair because you can’t take time away.

You tried to tell me to hold on.  That soon she would be so severely disabled she would be homebound or in a nursing home.  I cut you off.  I told you that was too terrible to think about and I refuse to talk about it.

We made love.  It was wonderful.

Damn you.  You have my heart.  Always.

 

Musical Monday: Love the One You’re With

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HH3ruuml-R4

If you’re down and confused
And you don’t remember who you’re talking to
Concentration slips away
Because your baby is so far away

Well there’s a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with

Don’t be angry, don’t be sad
Don’t sit crying over good times you’ve had
Well there’s a girl sitting right next to you
And she’s just waiting for something to do

Well there’s a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with

Oh yea oh yea, yea
Lord, love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with
Why don’t you love?

Turn your heartache right into joy
She’s a girl and you’re a boy
Did you get it together and make it nice?
When you ain’t gonna need anymore advice

Well there’s a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
Sometimes you can’t be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with
You gotta love the one you’re with

You gotta love, oh love
You gotta love, oh love
You gotta love, love the one you’re with
You gotta love, love

Songwriters
STILLS, STEPHEN

Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Read more: Crosby Stills Nash – Love The One You’re With Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Our connection

Our connection is more than an addiction.  It’s like you can see into my soul.

Your eyes.  Your touch.  Everything about you.

Loving you has been the best thing I’ve ever done.  No matter how it turns out and regardless of the pain, I’m glad I did it.

My life is complete when I’m with you.  Your arms are where I’m meant to be.  Your smile can make the world go away.

Living without you is going to be the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

My heart is with you.  Always.

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What I’m Going to Say to You

I’ve been going over in my mind the conversation we are going to have.  It will be the last time we see one another, so it’s important.  I know that, despite everything, it will be good to see you.  But I don’t know whether I should greet you with a hug or a slap on the face.

You told me several weeks ago that you couldn’t live with yourself if you left her.

Then you can obviously live without me.  You should do that, because I really deserve to be with someone who can’t live without me.  And if there is someone like that out there, they deserve all of my love and attention.

Four pages of talking points aren’t necessary.  That’s all I need to say.

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