I spent an incredible weekend with an amazing man. A man better than I deserve — although he doesn’t understand why I say that.
Saturday was filled with anxiety. I had flashbacks of you, and they stung.
I remembered last Valentine’s Day — eating fast food and meeting you at a hotel the night before you flew off on an excursion with your brother. I dressed up — you didn’t really care. I bought you gifts — you were kind of appreciative. I still don’t think you ever listened to the CD of music I made you.
This Valentine’s Day, the man in my life came to my house the night before. I took Valentine’s Day off work. We slept in, ate chocolate-covered strawberries for breakfast. Took a walk. Had a great dinner. Saw a movie. Came home and cuddled.
Faced with the reality of someone who wants to be with me, juxtapositioned with the memories of a love that I believed in so much, but was never this good…haunted me.
I can’t believe it’s real. I can’t believe something this good can happen to me.
Trusting him with my heart? Still not happening. I beat myself up over it. How in the world could I have believed that what you and I had was real…and can’t believe that what I have with HIM is real? He’s here. All the time. He’s never given me reason to doubt how he feels about me. But I question it. All the time. To a destructive level.
I pray to God (very unusual) every day (highly unusual) not to let me mess this up. It’s not often you get more than one bite at the apple, and I don’t want to let this one go.
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